Sweet Days (Four Days Book 2) Read online

  “What are you doing here, Patrick? Why don’t you

  leave me alone?” she says, raising her voice.

  “You want me to go? You want me to leave you

  in peace? Would that make you feel better?” I

  jump to my feet, hurt by her words.

  “I just want you to explain to me why you’re

  here with me.”

  How am I supposed to answer her? Because I

  can’t do anything other than be here? That my

  stupid fucking heart decided to start working and it

  made me choose her?

  In the end, I tell her the truth. “I know that I

  can’t avoid it. I can’t stay away from you even if I

  understand that I shouldn’t be close to you. It’s

  difficult to explain.”

  “What’s wrong with you, Patrick?”

  “Wha… what?” I ask, terrified by her question.

  “When did you become like this? There has to

  be a reason, a cause … What turned you into the

  asshole that you are?”

  If she could have punched me full-on right in

  the chest, it would have hurt less. After having told

  her all those things … What a fucking idiot I’ve

  been. I sure know how to be a dog’s ass.

  I turn and go without saying anything because I

  have nothing left to say.

  This is who I am, I always have been like this

  and I will continue to be. It’s useless trying to

  force yourself into being something you’re not.

  I don’t want to be analyzed; I don’t want to be

  pitied.

  I don’t want a fucking thing.

  10

  Erin

  I get out of the tub immediately and let the water

  fall to the floor. I look around and all I can find is a

  miserable towel. I wrap myself up in it the best I

  can, dripping all over the apartment, running after

  Patrick. Why am I doing it? Why? I just don’t

  know.

  “Patrick!” I yell before he can walk out the

  door.

  He stops in his tracks but does not turn around.

  “Please, don’t go.”

  “This is not my place, Erin.”

  I bite my lip and try to breathe deeply to quell

  the urge I have to cry.

  “You don’t need me,” he adds with a voice so

  thick with desperation that I’m tempted to throw

  myself at him and hold him until daybreak comes.

  I slowly go to him, still barefoot, and I’m

  careful not to slip. I touch him lightly on the

  shoulder—he’s still soaking wet—and I can feel

  him tense up at my touch. So I remove my hand

  and take two steps backwards, feeling my eyes

  swell up with tears mercilessly.

  “No one needs me.” His voice is broken.

  This time it’s my turn to be courageous. I put

  my hand on his back and squeeze it hard so as to

  let him feel my support.

  “Patrick…” I try to get closer to him, in any

  way I can. “I’m sorry for the things I said. I was

  confused and feeling out of sorts and—”

  “I’m not the right type for you. I’m not the right

  type for anyone. I’m not able to stay emotionally

  close to a person. I’m a selfish asshole and I

  always have been.”

  “I know,” I tell him, caressing his bearded face

  slowly. At my touch he pulls away sharply.

  “Stay away from me, Erin. Please. I can’t … I

  can’t be what you need me to be. I’m not that kind

  of man, don’t you understand that? I’m not even a

  man.”

  His words break my heart.

  “See, I don’t want to hurt anybody,” he goes on.

  “I don’t want to hurt you.”

  I lower my glance and let the tears flow, for by

  now, there’s no point holding in my feelings.

  “I’ve already done it once,” Patrick continues.

  “I can’t allow it to happen again.”

  “What? What are you…” I don’t have the

  courage to finish the question, to listen to what he

  has to say.

  He sighs in frustration and rubs his eyes with

  his fists.

  “I was eighteen and she was seventeen…” he

  starts to tell me as I try to swallow something that

  is straining my throat. “It happened. We weren’t

  careful. I wasn’t careful.”

  “You were young...”

  He shakes his head vigorously.

  “I was just a jerk, selfish. I didn’t want the

  responsibility, and she knew it.”

  “And she?” Good lord, I can’t even spit it out.

  To tell the truth, it’s hard to talk at all.

  Everything’s happening so quickly here with all

  these events pulsing through my heart it seems like

  it’s all going to end up in my throat and choke me.

  “I’ve always been a jerk, but I never would

  have abandoned her, believe me,” he says, finally

  looking at me and his eyes are full of pain, deep

  and real pain.

  “I believe you.”

  “She already made the decision for both of us.

  She told me it was too late. Her mother took her to

  Liverpool and…” A hiccup escapes his lips and my

  heart shatters in a million pieces. “She told me that

  she could never trust a selfish asshole like me,

  because the only thing I’m good for is swinging on

  every side. She told me I wasn’t worth anything,

  that I would always be a hopeless bastard because

  I’m incapable of love, of feeling any real sentiment

  and taking on any significant responsibility. I

  ruined her life and I’ve never forgiven myself for

  it.”

  “Patrick.” I step closer because I want to hold

  him close to me. Because I want him to feel my

  heart that is suffering together with his. I want him

  to feel that I believe him.

  “Don’t do it, okay? Don’t feel sorry for me. And

  don’t get close to me, Erin, I beg you. I’d only hurt

  you. I ruin everything I touch. I don’t want to

  destroy you too.”

  “You aren’t what you think you are, Patrick.

  Otherwise you wouldn’t be worried about hurting

  anyone, because no one would be important for

  you. If you were really like that, you wouldn’t try

  to help your family or your friends and most of all,

  you wouldn’t try to help me.”

  He shakes his head again, this time determined

  to go.

  “Don’t you see, Patrick? You wouldn’t care

  about a baby that isn’t yours if you weren’t a better

  person that you think you are.” I try to convince

  him.

  “I do care, Erin. About him and about you. I

  shouldn’t care so much, but I do. I care more than

  my fucking life.” He concludes before running

  down the stairs, leaving me with the fear and hope

  that behind his words there’s something there that

  he doesn’t have the strength to show me.

  Something that I’d like to touch and hold.

  Something to handle with care because it could

  explode in my hands.

  Patrick

  “Are you ready, man?”

 
Jay comes close to me giving me a pat on the

  back, which I instinctively jerk away from.

  “What’s wrong?”

  What’s wrong?

  Rain and Erin have been back for two hours and

  I’ve been trying to keep my distance and not even

  look at her. I know there was another appointment

  with the gynecologist, Rain told me about it, but

  after the other night, I don’t have the courage even

  to look at her. I’m afraid of seeing pity or

  compassion in her eyes or worse yet, disrespect.

  After my stupid confession I went away to

  avoid facing the argument, being analyzed or to

  stop giving her false hope, by making her believe

  that there is something behind this facade of mine

  to grab onto. I don’t want her to get it into her head

  that she can save me or fix me, that I’m able to

  change. That she might think I’m capable of

  loving. I’d like to ask her how her appointment

  went, what the doctor said. I’d like to … ah, shit.

  I’m losing control. I can’t let it happen. I can’t let

  myself be dragged into something so big and so far

  from me and what I have always been.

  “Nothing. I’m just agitated,” I reply to Jay’s

  question, asking me what’s wrong.

  “No one to pass the time with after work?” he

  asks facing me head on, making fun of me.

  Someone to spend a bit of time with?

  There are at least five people here tonight who

  are worth noticing, but only one that means

  anything to me. And she’s not among the five I just

  mentioned.

  I jump on stage against my will, for tonight I’m

  not able to concentrate on anything, I’ve managed

  to break four glasses. What the hell. I need to calm

  down.

  I grab the bass guitar briskly and slip the strap

  around my shoulder, keeping my eyes low so as

  not to get lost in her eyes and in her fears.

  Liam starts singing and in less than ten seconds

  I’m cursing this fucking song, the words and my

  tormented soul, because it’s impossible for me not

  to think of every word that comes out of his mouth

  and imagine them laying right on her skin.

  I play like there was no tomorrow, mistreating

  the bass lines, which are not at fault. The only one

  with any fault around here is me. The only asshole

  in this place is me. I’m letting myself get all

  tangled up in emotions, emotions that I didn’t

  think I was capable of feeling until she cried on

  my shoulder. Until I felt her hot tears trespass

  down onto my chest and dissect my arid heart.

  And so I raise my head just as Liam sings the

  words: Say the word and I will be your man, your

  man.

  Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?

  What happened to my self-control and my dignity?

  Up here on this stage, in this dump of a place in

  this stupid fucking village, screaming with my

  heart out of my chest every word that I thought I

  could never say in my life.

  Two dark scared eyes were enough for me,

  coupled as they were with a warm, reassuring

  smile and her clear jaunty face. And her closeness,

  her tears, her sweetness. Just a few things were

  enough for me to realize that I don’t understand

  anything about life, that I’ve probably buried it

  inside me somewhere, it’s in some kind of deep

  ditch at least ten meters down, where all dark souls

  like mine go to be buried in a common grave.

  And for what? Why would I have done this? To

  distance myself from any idea of responsibility, the

  possibility to love. To escape from life itself and

  hide from myself and from the world.

  And what’s it all been for?

  Thirty years thrown down the toilet for a pair of

  deep sweet eyes. Because that’s what she is, she’s

  sincere, and naive, and … because she is who she

  is.

  The song ends and we go straight into the next

  number, but Erin isn’t there anymore, she ran out

  in tears, leaving Rain speechless standing there.

  And leaving me without a piece of my heart.

  11

  Erin

  It’s Thursday evening and the guys are ready to

  play a few songs. They do it every Thursday night,

  because there’s enough people there to listen to

  them but not so many that they’re needed behind

  the counter or waiting tables.

  Patrick is in a bad mood and has been avoiding

  me all night and has been growling at everyone

  else including friends and clients.

  I didn’t have the courage to get close; I

  understand that telling me those things must have

  shaken him. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting it. I

  didn’t think Patrick was capable of holding such a

  burden inside him.

  I thought, like everyone else does, that he was

  just a jerk. Instead, he’s a man who’s been hurt and

  is disappointed with life. A man nobody ever gave

  a chance to, because no one ever opened their

  hearts to him.

  A man no one ever knew how to love.

  There you go: I absolutely shouldn’t care at all

  about him, his feelings and what he’s been

  carrying around with him or the fact that he

  continues to make eyes at every woman on the

  planet.

  Every woman except me.

  It’s never bothered me in the past, but now I just

  feel differently. It would bother me to see him go

  home with some woman now.

  What the heck am I thinking? I must be crazy,

  completely taken over by my hormones. The truth

  is I’m alone and I need a man next to me that will

  help and comfort me, but I know very well that it

  cannot be him.

  Let’s get it straight: we’re talking about Patrick,

  a guy who’s genetically opposed to feelings and

  who has refused to enter into every type of bond or

  relationship.

  A man who has given up on love.

  How can it be that two caresses and two words

  of comfort would be enough to throw me into total

  confusion like this? To forget Nate and everything

  we shared?

  The problem is that it’s enough for me just to

  get lost in the black hole of his eyes to forget every

  caress, every kiss, every night I spent with Nate,

  and to think of how it could be if Patrick wasn’t a

  certified asshole who was disappointed with life

  and if I wasn’t pregnant by my ex.

  I shake my head and pick up some glasses from

  the tables when the guys start their initial song. At

  Liam’s first words I start to shake and set the tray

  down on another table before everything falls to

  the ground.

  Say the word and I will be your man, your man.

  I breathe in slowly to gain control of my

  emotions, but it seems like I’m not the one in

  control, they just do whatever they want.

  Say when… And my own two hands will comfort

  you … Tonigh
t, tonight … Say when … And my

  own two arms will carry you … Tonight, tonight. 3

  I can’t look at him; I can’t raise my glance right

  now because he’d understand immediately what

  I’m thinking.

  I’m stupid and misguided.

  3 Say When, The Fray, The Fray

  I got dumped for another woman, I’m pregnant

  and what do I do? I’m surprised to feel desire … to

  hope what? That he would be interested in me? A

  girl who is about to have someone else’s baby?

  And then we’re talking about this guy.

  Come on Erin, don’t be an idiot.

  Maybe he’s already got his eye on someone for

  tonight.

  And yet, he looked at me. He lifted his splendid

  black eyes and I got lost, surrounded by the

  devastating warmth they emit.

  I break the short contact by turning away and

  squeezing my eyes tightly shut. Rain comes

  towards me to ask if everything is all right, and I

  give her a quick nod to reassure her, but I know

  she’s not buying it.

  I get out of there as fast as I can, going straight

  towards the back. I open the door that leads to my

  temporary apartment and run up as the last notes of

  the songs keeps time with my tears. I throw myself

  on my bed, hiding my head in my pillow, trying to

  suffocate my sobs.

  My life is already complicated enough as it is, I

  don’t need to add any fuel to the fire.

  And yet … and yet, he looked at me, not the

  others. For once, I felt like I was the center of his

  world and the very idea completely terrified me,

  because I know him, I know who he is and how he

  reacts.

  And even if I know that in reality he’s just a

  man with a broken heart, I know I’m not the one

  for him, just as I know he’s not at all what I need.

  Not now, not in the future.

  Patrick

  As the night ends, it would appear that the brunette

  who is all eyes and lips is waiting for me outside

  the pub. We both know full well how it’s going to

  end up: few words, no complications. That’s what

  I need.

  I say goodnight to the guys and head toward the

  door when Rain grabs my arm.

  “You don’t have to do it, Patrick.”

  “Do what?”

  “You don’t have to pretend with me, with us.

  We’re your family, you can just be yourself.”

  “I am myself, Rain,” I say with a half smile, not

  sure where she’s going with this.

  “Sure, honey, of course, if it makes you feel